Open Workplaces Toolkit:
Should I share my non-monogamous background and identity as part of my advocacy work?
I identify as consensually non-monogamous. Should I share background and identity as part of my advocacy work?
Opening up about your non-monogamous identity in the workplace may be a daunting prospect. It's natural to feel apprehensive about sharing this aspect of your personal life, especially in a professional setting. The stress of hiding a significant part of your identity can take a toll, as can facing potential negative reactions or discrimination. You are not obligated to disclose your relationship status, and you should only do so if you feel safe and comfortable.
By being open about your relationship structure, you also contribute to the visibility of non-monogamous people and help to challenge misconceptions. As we've seen from the LGBTQ+ movement, personal connections and positive representation can significantly impact social change and acceptance. When you choose to be open about your identity, you help foster a more inclusive and understanding environment for others with similar relationship styles or other marginalized identities.
It's important to weigh the potential benefits and risks of disclosing your non-monogamous identity at work. Over half of consensually non-monogamous people recently surveyed reported workplace, housing, and other forms of discrimination. While opening up can help advance social change and create a safer and more accepting environment, it's crucial to prioritize your own well-being and safety. In the end, the decision to be open about your non-monogamous identity is a deeply personal one, and you should feel empowered to make the choice that feels right for you.
Assessing your risk
It's important to note right from the start that there are currently no employment discrimination protections for non-monogamous people (with the exception of the city of Somerville, MA as of March, 2023). This means that if you are an "at-will" employee or an independent contractor, your employer has the right to terminate your employment for various reasons, including your non-monogamy. However, this situation is changing — and may change in the future as societal attitudes evolve and legal protections are potentially expanded.
An "at-will" employee means that either the employer or the employee can terminate the employment relationship at any time, for any reason or no reason at all, as long as it's not an illegal reason. You're likely an at-will employee if you don't have an employment contract specifying otherwise, or if you reside in an "at-will" employment state, which is the default in most U.S. states. Check your employment agreement or ask your HR department for clarification.
Illegal reasons for firing an “at-will” employee include:
Discrimination: Employers cannot fire employees based on race, color, religion, sex, national origin, age (40 or older), disability, or genetic information under federal law. State and local laws may include additional protected classes. “Relationship structure” is not a protected class, so firing someone on this basis does not legally constitute discrimination.
Retaliation: Employers cannot fire employees for exercising their legal rights, such as filing a discrimination complaint, reporting harassment, or participating in a workplace investigation.
Violation of public policy: Employers cannot fire employees for reasons that violate public policy, such as refusing to break the law, reporting illegal activity (whistleblowing), or exercising specific rights like voting or taking family and medical leave.
Breach of contract: If an employee has a written, oral, or implied employment contract that guarantees job security or specifies reasons for termination, firing the employee in violation of that contract is illegal. </aside>
Let us state that again: your employer has the legal right to fire you simply for being non-monogamous, and there are known cases where employers have fired employees who were polyamorous based on their disclosure. For that reason, it is important to assess your company culture in order to decide if you think it’s reasonably safe for you to open up. We’ll provide tips for how to do so in a thoughtful, risk-aware way below.
It’s also important to acknowledge that opening up about your non-monogamous identity could have implications for other aspects of your life, not just your workplace. Some housing laws restrict residents to living only with people related by blood, adoption, or marriage, preventing CNM people from living together.
Here are some questions to help you assess your risk:
Could you face a child custody challenge? Sadly, this is one of the most common – and most consequential – challenges faced by openly non-monogamous parents. If you have an active child custody case or there is another hostile party (such as the child’s other parent, or grandparents), be aware that being openly non-monogamous could be damaging to your case. Consensually non-monogamous individuals have reported many instances of discrimination in court, including facing claims of parental unfitness in child custody claims. While some multiple-partner relationships have won triple-parent custody, most courts have not recognized third parents. As a lawyer who represents polyamorous families, Diana Adams, Esq. observes: “Many people are trying to create families in different kinds of ways. And a lot of people see that as dangerous.” Unfortunately, these views currently remain persistent despite numerous research studies demonstrating that kids with parents who engage in consensual non-monogamy can thrive — and even gain access to additional benefits like greater financial resources and childcare.
How will this impact your family and personal relationships? Coming out as non-monogamous can significantly impact family and personal relationships, as individuals may face diverse reactions from their loved ones. While some family members and friends may offer support and understanding, others may struggle to accept this identity or lifestyle, leading to strained relationships or even rejection. The process of disclosing one's non-monogamous identity can also spark important conversations about personal values and beliefs, potentially fostering growth and deeper connections with those who are open to learning and understanding.
What are the potential mental health implications? This is a critical, yet often underestimated, facet of your decision. Concealing a significant part of your identity can exert considerable mental strain over time, just as dealing with possible adverse reactions or discrimination can. On the flip side, revealing your identity could offer a sense of relief or liberation, even though it may present its own set of challenges. Considering these potential psychological consequences can help you make a more comprehensive and informed decision about disclosure.
What is the legal and cultural landscape in your area? Before deciding to disclose your non-monogamous identity, consider both the legal aspects and societal attitudes in your region. Legal protections for non-monogamous individuals may vary widely from one place to another. In certain areas, more progressive attitudes and regulations might provide increased protections, while more conservative regions may be more likely to harbor biases against non-monogamous families and relationships, leading to potentially unfavorable rulings. Therefore, understanding your local legal and cultural environment, and possibly seeking legal advice, is recommended to fully grasp the potential implications of your disclosure.
Look at your employment contract (and always review your contract before you sign one). If your contract includes ‘morality clause,’ this means that an employer can “discharge an employee for off-duty conduct that breaches the employer’s ethical expectations as outlined in the employment agreement.” These expectations are typically quite broad, and allow for employers to, for example, terminate an employee for “becom[ing] involved in any situation . . . tending to degrade Employee in the community or which brings Employee into public disrepute, contempt, or scandal . . . whether or not information in regard thereto becomes public . . . .” This means that someone in a position of employment power who disagrees with someone’s relationship structure and deems it scandalous could potentially utilize a morality clause such as this to terminate an employee. If you are looking at roles, and have the ability to negotiate, we recommend you attempt to remove a morality clause in advance of signing. If you have signed a contract with a morality clause, we recommend that you investigate the politics of your organization and its reputation - as well as your visibility as a ‘face of the organization’ - before determining whether or not it is prudent to disclose your non-monogamous identity.
Are you at risk of discrimination in other areas? Beyond employment, your non-monogamous identity could potentially impact other aspects of your life. Relationship structure isn't a universally protected category, meaning you could face discrimination when seeking housing, applying for loans, or in various other situations, particularly in socially conservative areas. Therefore, comprehending the extent and areas of potential discrimination is crucial.
How will this interact with your other identities? Aspects of your race, sex, class, sexual orientation, gender identity, and privilege can affect the ways being openly non-monogamous may be read. For example, women who have opened up about being non-monogamous have experienced unwanted sexual come-ons a result. And men who have come out at work have experienced allegations of sexual misconduct. Women of color, low-income women, and trans individuals often face even more sexualization and bias in the workplace, and being openly non-monogamous could lead to experiences of being exploited, harassed, and/or taken less seriously as a professional.
❤️ We’d like to thank the Chosen Family Law Center, whose “Safety and Coming Out” resource we drew on for the preceding section.
Resources
If you are in need of an attorney, psychologist, therapist, or other professional who is well-versed in challenges and opportunities facing consensually non-monogamous people, we recommend these resources: