Non-monogamy 101

What is non-monogamy anyways?

Non-monogamy describes a range of relationship styles and structures that involve multiple intimate, romantic or sexual partners, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses practices including polyamory, open relationships, swinging (also known as the “lifestyle”), and more. People use the terms “consensual non-monogamy” (CNM) and “ethical non-monogamy” (ENM) interchangeably, or sometimes just “non-monogamy” (after all, there are already words for non-consensual non-monogamy, such as “cheating” and “infidelity”).

How common is ethical non-monogamy?

Multiple surveys and studies evidence that around 5% of American adults, or about 10 million people, currently practice consensual non-monogamy. (2014, 2017). Additionally, one in five adults in North America will engage in ethical non-monogamy at some point in their lives .

In a more recent survey, one-third of American adults describe their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy, and 6% of respondents said that their current relationship is completely non-monogamous (2023).

Who practices non-monogamy?

Non-monogamy is practiced by people from all walks of life. The proportion of people who have engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their life was not found to vary significantly across age, education level, income, religion, region, political affiliation, and race. Non-monogamy is more common among people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. (2016), and is also more common among Millennials and Gen Z compared to Baby Boomers and Gen X.

Why do people choose non-monogamy?

People prefer non-monogamy for a range of reasons. Chief among them is the opportunity to experience more love, connection, and intimacy in one’s life. People can also experience personal growth through the practice of non-monogamy, such as an improved capacity for communication, a better understanding of one’s own needs and boundaries, and insanely good scheduling skills (2017)(2021).

Additionally, some people choose non-monogamy due to their preferences around sex and intimacy. Examples include:

• A relationship in which one or more partner is bisexual or pansexual and desires sex and intimacy with partner(s) of multiple genders

• A relationship where only one partner is asexual (does not experience sexual desire or attraction)

• A relationship in which partners have different sexual needs and desires, such as widely differing “sex drives” or kink preferences

Is non-monogamy becoming more popular?

A ten-year study found a “significant increase” in search terms related to polyamory and open relationships between 2006-2015 (source).

In 2020, 43% of millennials indicated that their preferred relationship style is non-monogamy (source). Between 2016 and 2020, the percentage of American adults who described their ideal relationship as “completely monogamous” dropped from 61 to 56 percent (source).

Non-monogamy community organizers, event producers, and content creators all report a surge in interest in the topic, particularly over the last two years.

Do non-monogamous individuals really face discrimination?

Almost two-thirds of non-monogamous adults reported experiencing some form of discrimination based on  their non-monogamous identity or relationship style/structure (2020). Examples include family rejection, difficulty accessing supportive mental health care, housing discrimination, and workplace discrimination. Additionally, non-monogamous partnerships are denied access to a range of benefits that married spouses receive related to inheritance, immigration, parental rights, taxation, and more.

“Relationship structure” is not a protected category, meaning that it is legal to discriminate against people based on the non-monogamous identity and/or relationship style/structure in housing, employment, and even custody disputes.

Non-monogamous individuals also face social and cultural stigma. In a 2023 survey of American adults, a majority said that polyamory is “morally wrong” (2023). Compared to monogamous relationships, consensually non-monogamous relationships are perceived as being low in relationship quality, less committed, less moral, and harmful to children (2013, 2016, 2018), but research and people’s lived experiences do not substantiate these sigmas!

The pervasive societal stigma and discrimination consensually non-monogamous individuals face harm their mental health and relationships. For many, the additional stigma and discrimination experienced by the CNM community are internalized, leading to increased psychological distress (e.g., increased depression and anxiety) and worse relationship outcomes (2021; 2021).

Is non-monogamy a new phenomenon?

Monogamy as the default mode of relationships is often seen as a universal and timeless practice, but in fact, it is a relatively modern construction. Throughout history, non-monogamy has been practiced in many different cultures and contexts; for example, many indigenous cultures in the Americas, Africa, and Asia traditionally practiced various forms of non-monogamy. It was only with the rise of Christianity and the subsequent influence of Victorian morality that monogamy became the dominant form of relationship in Western society, with legal and cultural norms enforcing its primacy.

Ethical non-monogamy is not…

• Just about sex. Non-monogamous relationships encompass many forms of connections including romantic, emotional, physical, and beyond. While sex is always a feature of human relationships, it is not usually the main motivator for non-monogamy.

• Cheating. By definition, consensual non-monogamy requires the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Cheating is fundamentally non-consensual, and is a violation of trust that can occur in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships alike.

• A new phenomenon. Although interest is in non-monogamy growing within Western societies, humans all around the world have been practicing non-monogamous relationships of all types for millennia. 

• Prescriptive. Non-monogamous people are not out to “abolish” monogamy. However, we do challenge the assumption that monogamous relationships are the ideal, and that monogamous romantic relationships should take priority over other forms of relationships. While everyone has the right to choose monogamy, they should also have the right to choose non-monogamy!